Aversion to food!

It recently occurred to me that I have some sort of a love hate relationship with food.

I initially thought it was because of my poor appetite , I wasn’t getting to eat the food I like.

It’s been 4 months and eating food makes me wanna throw up.

Every time I cross a certain fixed quantity my brain thinks I can eat, nausea sets in. I sleep it off to prevent the ejection of my gastric contents.

I don’t know if it’s psychological or pathological. My blood report tells me I’m fine.

Am I subconsciously obsessed with the numbers on the scale?

It’s scares me that I need to fight the battle with my fluctuating weight again.

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Night duty….

Finally an intern!

Not quite what I expected. Being in the bottom of the food chain is quite an experience.

My first posting is in the department of surgery. Today is the first time I’m on night duty. The patient just underwent an open heart surgery. I need to stay up and monitor is vitals.

I’m a wreck. Although externally I look like I have got it under control. I’m praying he remains stable all night.

I’m literally looking at his monitor every 10 minutes. I just hope I get through my shift in one piece with no emergencies.

Just witnessed a road traffic accident, helped with the suturing and came in for this.

Med School

Med school exams are the worst thing you can go through I believe. The level of stress gives you feeling of nausea ALL THE TIME.

You’re in constant stress. When you have a little fun, you tend to feel guilty because you’re not with your books.

The funny part is regardless of how much you read your head is so empty and you genuinely don’t remember anything.

Makes me feel bad for all those days I made a fuss to write my high school exams.

My days start with a new resolve everyday. I hope to conquer the world by flipping through the pages and covering chunks of my course material. I wonder what happens to all that enthusiasm after a while.

I sit and stare through my book, dreaming about food and other worldly pleasure I would be subjected to, if it weren’t for my books.

At night, I have palpitations as the days decreases and my pile of books remain the same. The human mind is very good at playing tricks, it pacifies and shows me the heights I can achieve tomorrow.

Finally I have reached the last stage. It’s do or die. So here I am, once again writing wandering away from what I must be doing , wallowing in self pity.

Very LAZY Lucy

Forty Rules Of Love

Have any of you experienced that feeling when a single idea resonates with you such that, at that very moment you know something within you has changed. It’s never going to be the same.

Well, I had such an experience while reading ” The forty rules of love” by Elif Shafak.

I need to come clean, I was pretty unaware about the fact someone called RUMI existed.

It was life changing.

How? I can’t put a finger on it. I just feel more liberated after reading about RUMI and Shams of Tabriz.

If anyone is reading this. I recommend you to read it. You must be wondering why I have given such a vague idea about the book. I don’t really read book reviews before I read one. So I’m not giving one either .

Hope it strikes a chord

Caged

Are we free yet? No.

There are still many people around us who want to cut our wings before we even take flight.

What do you do if it’s the people you love. Can you really go against them and break the chains and loose your relationship?

But, when you think of ending things, makes you realize you have no where else to go.

I stare at the sky hoping one day I’ll be able to fly while I try and make sense of the prison around me.

One Pound At A Time

Something I’m very sensitive about is my weight. I don’t think I can completely deal with the way I look. I always feel, I am too fat but I LOVE FOOD. The constant struggle between my love for food and my weight occupies a lot of space in my mind.

I don’t understand why people go out of the way to tell you certain type of clothing doesn’t look good on you or you’re putting on weight.

Why? What satisfaction do they get or what right do they have? Isn’t there a polite way of putting across your opinions?

Why do they need to compare you with your fitness enthusiast siblings, every time you put food in your mouth? I hate family functions. Its place where you constantly have to face criticism from the way you look to what you do.

Why do people think they have the right to expect things from you?

Do you burden them with your expectations of being a decent human being?

Well, then it hit me that maybe the problem lies within me. I’m too sensitive and I need to have a thick skin and let go of my insecurity. I need to accept myself the way I am and if I feel unfit, well then I just have to make the effort to work out

I need to help myself get out of this turmoil, do myself justice and let myself live. How can I expect other to stop body shaming when I, myself inflict the same torture on myself.

 

Nostalgia……

Today, I was clearing out some stuff. I came across a letter , my friend had written to me when we were in high school and I read the letter with a heavy heart.

Why? When I was in high school, I was different person. I missed the person I was then, not that I didn’t grow to be a better version of myself. The truth is as you grow up; you lose the innocence with which you dream.  My dreams haven’t changed but reality changes you, I would kill to just laze around in my pyjamas watch a movie and crib about homework. Chill with my parents in my room and simply be oblivious just for a while.

The worst thing about growing up is you see you parents grow old as well. I think I have harder time dealing with that.

Going back to the letter, my friend had written reminded me of the stupid things we spoke about. Our dreams of travelling and changing lives, endless phone conversation, metro rides where discussed everything from movies to the meaning of life, all the times we would split a meal and the endless walks.

We still speak and are extremely fond of each other in spite of being countries apart, not as much we used to do but that’s growing up. YOU GET BUSY.

All you wonderful people; I’m assuming someone is reading this, make some calls and reconnect just like I did. Feels good and brings back a part of you which you thought you lost.

TO EVERLASTING FRIENDSHIPS

LAZYLUCY